From Searching to Surrendering

Breaking the Hamster Wheel: Finding Freedom in Jesus

Hey everyone,

First off, thank you so much for the overwhelming love and encouragement after my first blog post. It’s been such a blessing to connect with you all and share the beginnings of this journey with Sunday Cafe.

A special thank you to Lynn, a high school ministry leader, for sending me an email that sparked this post. She asked:

When did you know, with absolute certainty, that Jesus died to save you? How did that conviction transform your life?

It’s a question that feels simple on the surface but dives straight into the core of my story. As I reflected on it, I realized it wasn’t just about certainty—it was about trust. Faith, by its very nature, doesn’t always provide the kind of certainty we crave. But it offers something deeper: a knowing in the heart, beyond what our minds can fully comprehend.

This is my story, and I hope it resonates with someone who needs to hear it.

A Quiet Faith as a Child
When I think back to my childhood, God always felt near—like a comforting presence in the background of my life. I would pray at night, talk to Him when I was scared, and believe without question that He was real.

But Jesus? I didn’t quite understand Him. He felt distant, almost like a historical figure to be admired rather than someone who was actively involved in my life.

As a kid, I never fully grasped why Jesus mattered. Now, as an adult, I see things differently. The more I read scripture, the more the significance of Jesus comes into focus. Our brokenness isn’t something to hide or be ashamed of—it’s the very reason He came. As Tim Keller once said, “One of the only things Christians do better than others is accept their brokenness.” That truth has become a cornerstone of my faith.

The Search for Meaning
By my teenage years, life felt more complicated. I was sensitive, deeply aware of how others perceived me, and constantly worried about fitting in. High school was a pressure cooker of expectations—be cool, be popular, be perfect. And I thought that to matter, I had to excel at it all.

That pressure led me to explore different philosophies. I was drawn to Buddhism because it seemed more like a way of life than a religion. Its focus on mindfulness and peace appealed to me at a time when I felt anything but peaceful.

Eventually, my curiosity expanded to psychedelics and plant medicines. I was genuinely searching for enlightenment, for God, for truth. And to be fair, there were moments that felt profound—moments when the world seemed connected and full of meaning and color.

But those moments never lasted. Looking back, I was building a car out of spiritual parts—new age rims, indigenous interior, psychedelic body—but the car didn’t move. It had no gas.

A Decade on the Hamster Wheel
My 20’s were filled with adventure, drugs, partying, DJing, world travels, incredible people, and memories I’ll always cherish. But they weren’t sustainable. Beneath the excitement was an endless loop—a hamster wheel I couldn’t escape.

I kept thinking the next ceremony, the next big DJ show, or the next trip would finally bring fulfillment. But no matter how far I ran, I always ended up back in the same place, wondering why the clarity didn’t last.

In a way, this hamster wheel was encouraged by the modern spiritual world that I was associating myself with, which often teaches us to "love ourselves" as the ultimate goal. Yet, when I finally started reading the Bible, I was struck by a very different message: "Deny yourself, and take up your cross daily and follow me" (Luke 9:23). This was a turning point where I began to see that true freedom doesn’t come from self-love—it comes from surrendering to Christ.

Hitting Rock Bottom
In 2022, at 29 years old, after a decade of searching, I moved back to Connecticut to live with my parents. By this point, I had left behind the parties, the alcohol, and the harder drugs. But I still felt lost.

Not long after, I developed a severe tooth infection that spread to my sinus. The pain was excruciating, and I couldn’t eat solid food for weeks. Around the same time, I decided to quit smoking spliffs—a habit I’d leaned on for over a decade.

With my usual coping mechanisms stripped away, I was forced to face everything I had buried—pain, trauma, brokenness. It was the hardest season of my life, but it was also the beginning of something new.

Over Many Nights, the Lights Turned On
Slowly, painfully, things began to change. I started going to church with my mom, listening to sermons, and reading the Bible. For the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful and could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Over many nights, I found myself on my knees, praying through tears. Each prayer felt like a piece of my heart breaking open, letting the light in. And slowly, in those moments of raw surrender, something began to shift.

It wasn’t a flash of light or a booming voice from the heavens. It was quieter than that, but no less powerful.

I realized, in my heart—beyond what my brain could comprehend—that Jesus had been there all along. He wasn’t just an abstract figure or a someone to strive to be like—He was my Savior. He had died for me, for my brokenness, for my sins. The least I can do in return is live a life dedicated to pleasing Him.

The Power of Community
I didn’t walk this journey alone. My parents were there, loving and supporting me through it all, even when I felt unworthy. Friends who knew Christ helped guide me, sharing their own experiences and showing me what grace looked like in action.

I also sought help from a Christian therapist, someone who could help me navigate the resurfaced traumas and the weight of it all. These people were God’s hands and feet in my life, reminding me that I didn’t have to carry this alone.

The Transformation
Since those early moments of surrending to Jesus, my life hasn’t been perfect, but it’s been purposeful. Jesus didn’t take away the challenges or the pain, but He gave me something to lean on. He became the gas for the car—and the road and the driver, too.

I realized that my value doesn’t come from mastering myself or fixing my brokenness. My worth comes from Him. And even in my imperfections, His love remains unchanging.

For High Schoolers
Reflecting on my high school years, I wish I could tell my younger self:

Don’t be afraid to live a life that looks different. Fitting in with the crowd isn’t the same as belonging. Just because something is “normal” doesn’t make it right. Just be yourself.

If you’re searching, experimenting, or feeling lost, remember this: Jesus is always there, waiting. You don’t have to be perfect or have it all figured out. Just take one step toward Him.

Faith in the Unknown
To answer Lynn’s question directly: For me, there wasn’t a point of absolute certainty. Maybe as my faith grows that certainty and conviction in my heart will continue to grow as well. But for now, it’s about trusting in the One who does know everything with absolute certainty.

Faith is a feeling in my spirit—a sense that surpasses what my mind can understand. It’s been there ever since I was a child, a quiet sense that God’s love is real and that He has a purpose for my life, even when I can’t see it at times.

No matter what you’re going through, know that it can have massive impact if you turn your life back to God. He can take your broken pieces and use them to create something beautiful—a purpose greater than anything you could have imagined.

So tread lightly. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are not perfect, and you don’t need to be! Jesus is perfect for you.

A Verse to Reflect On
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28

Thank you, Lynn, for asking such a meaningful question and giving me the chance to reflect. And thank you, everyone, for being part of this journey with me.

With love and gratitude,
Kevin
(aka Kebi)